kah! for quite some time, i totally forgot i had a tabulas account, not that i'm accessing another one coz this is the only online journal i have (no, wait, i have a multiply account pala but i just use it to access pictures for acad purposes). i'm just waiting for someone to go online when tabulas popped into my mind.
anyway, contrary to what i had imagined, i'm not much enjoying med these days. don't get me wrong, i still want to become a doctor and help people (really!) but i guess i'm just starting to see how my life would be in the next so so years. AND I MISS MY FAMILY MORE AND MORE, I MISS BEING HOME. and i dont think i would be able to spend a whole home-year in the near future. 4 years had gone, another 4 or 5 years on the road, and who knows what lies after that. for all i know, i might never, ever, have a real life anymore. tsk tsk.. what a sad and terrible thought.
well, is this really what i want? to become a doctor, yes. but to spend more time away from HOME, no. please, i dont want to hear your speech on "the great things about being in the top school". i finished my degree from, people say, the best university in the country knowing that i did not do the best that i could. so many what-ifs and i-could-haves but the point is, i lost my chance. yeah yeah, i came from a prestigious school but heck, do i deserve the feeling of pride? i think my neurons are functional, and i have proven that several times already but there also those not-seldom times that i end up scolding myself knowing that i could have done much, much better. yeah, could have. i dont want to think of it as consuelo-de-bobo. i would not accept it's that. i'd hide from the world if i knew i'm bobo. so why would i not deserve to feel proud? because i did not feel my growth. politically, i'm sure i know a lot more now. emotionally, i'm still the same, i think. one thing i'm certain, i did not reach the peak of my mental capability, or so i think.
right now, i'm spending half useful-half useless times in one of the best medical schools in the country. and i'm starting to become what i was back in college. and i want it to stop. i'm wide awake, i'm aware of everything around me. i know what to do. i cant lose control anymore. it's now or never.
a friend once told me, maybe i'm scared, scared of failing what seemed to be the reason i was able to hold on and survive. i'm opening my shell a little more, but i dont think im ready to filter out foreign compounds. i dont want to die of poisoning. must prepare the battle. sharpen the sword, upgrade the shield. this is I.
something to look forward to.